Now that's training...

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

Horsing Around...

Brian and his two friends are hanging out at a bar. They're talking about life, sports and other guy things when the conversation finally gets around to to their marriages.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "You know what? I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Brian, surprised by the candor of his friends, decides to come forth with his marital concerns: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."

Both his friends look at him, or course, with utter disbelief.

"No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

Give a Man a Fish...

One day, a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered deeply into the hole examining it for fish. Suddenly, a loud voice boomed, "There are no fish down there."
Surprised, but not discouraged, the fisherman continued on. He walked several yards away, drilled another hole and peered deeply into it. Again, out of nowhere, a voice suddenly boomed, "There's no fish down there."
A bit nervous now, the fisherman managed to continue. He walked about 50 yards away and drilled yet another hole, peered long and deep into the hole, hoping for some fish. Suddenly, the voice boomed again, this time louder than ever, "There's no fish down there!!!"
The fisherman, quite frightened at this point, looked up into the sky and asked, "God!? Is that you?"
"No, you idiot," the voice said. "It's the rink manager."

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly an airhead), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife replied, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

Mr. Bean about Marriage...

Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?

Mr. Bean: 16

Friend: Why?

Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.

You Can't Take It With You...

There once was an old penny pincher who had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.

"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory," he said. "I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 enclosed."

The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000." The doctor then said, "I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000."

The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount?"

Useful Perspective

If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following:There would be:57 Asians21 Europeans14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south8 Africans52 would be female48 would be male70 would be non-white30 would be white70 would be non-Christian30 would be Christian89 would be heterosexual11 would be homosexual6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealthand all 6 would be from the United States.80 would live in substandard housing70 would be unable to read50 would suffer from malnutrition1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth1(yes, only 1) would have a college education1 would own a computerWhen one considers our world from such a compressedperspective, the need for acceptance, understanding andeducation becomes glaringly apparent.The following is also something to ponder...If you woke up this morning with more health thanillness...you are more blessed than the million who willnot survive this week.If you have never experienced the danger of battle, theloneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or thepangs of starvation...you are ahead of 500 millionpeople in the world.If you can attend a church meeting without fear ofharassment, arrest, torture, or death...you are moreblessed than three billion people in the world.If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back,a roof overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer than75% of this world.If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and sparechange in a dish someplace...you are among the top 8%of the worlds wealthy.If your parents are still alive and still married...you arevery rare, even in the United States and Canada.If you can read this message, you just received a doubleblessing in that someone was thinking of you, andfurthermore, you are more blessed than over two billionpeople in the world that cannot read at all.Someone once said: What goes around comes around.Sooooo.............Work like you don't need the money.Love like you've never been hurt.Dance like nobody's watching.Sing like nobody’s listening.Live like it's Heaven on Earth.

In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors quoted from ''Feathers,'' the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story:

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the airplane flies. The theory is that if the windshield can withstand the carcass test impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

Apparently, the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, high-speed train they were developing. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded a chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken not only shattered the windshield, but went through the engineer's seat, broke an instrument panel, and was imbedded in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to review the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the data thoroughly and had one recommendation: ''Use a thawed chicken.''