I'm the boss!

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!!!!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport.

Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.

The Pope proceeds to hop on 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. Well he gets to about 90 mph and, WHAM !, there are the blue lights of our friendly State Patrol in his mirror.

He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well the trooper, seeing who it was, says "just a moment please I need to call in."

The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."

The chief replys "Who is it, not Ted again ?"

The trooper says, "No, even more important."

The chief replys, "It's the Governor, is it ?"

The trooper replys "No, even more important."

"It's isn't the President is it ?"

"No, more important", replys the trooper.

"Well WHO the HECK is it !", screams the chief.

"I don't know " says the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and Neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, The husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

A man walked into a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Can you direct me to the self-help section?"

"Sure," she replied, "but wouldn't that defeat the purpose?"