It's Friday! Dinner and a Movie?

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, ''Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.''
The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. ''Sir,'' the usher said, ''if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.''
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly. ''All right buddy, what's your name?''
''Sam,'' the man moaned.
''Where ya from, Sam?'' the cop asked.
''The balcony.''

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow...

A blonde girl walks into the Salon wearing a pair of headphones and asks for a haircut. The hair stylist looks and says, "You'll need to take off the headphones first."

"If I take them off I'll die!" the girl exclaims.

For a while the stylist struggles around the headphones but it's no use. Again she asks the girl to remove the headphones.

"If I take them off I'll die!" the blonde responds again.

The stylist continues trying to cut around the headphones, but to no avail, the frustration builds. She decides to take the headphones off for her, gently so the girl doesn't notice. Sure enough, as soon as the headphones are removed the blonde girl drops to the floor and dies.

The stylist can't believe it. Amazed, he picks up the headphones and holds them up to his ears, and listens:

"Breathe in....breathe out....breathe in...."

The Best James Bond Ever?

Sean Connery was sitting by the pool one morning when he got a call from his agent about a new role:

"Hi Sean," says his agent. "Listen I want you to me up with this director tomorrow morning to discuss the part, about ten-ish."

"Tenish?" asks Sean, "I don't even own a racket!"

Never Smelled So Good...


An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian cookies.

With all his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked hard with a spatula by his wife.

"GET OUT OF HERE!" she shouted, "THEY'RE FOR THE FUNERAL!"

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

The church organist...

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it wouldprevent the spread of disease. And wouldn't you know, I haven't had the flu all winter."

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

"Shut up", barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.

"Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

Ladies:

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go tochoose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better thanmy last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonderwhat's further up?" And up she goes again.The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremelygood looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what'supstairs?"The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely goodlooking and help with the housework."Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking,help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?"So up to the sixth floor she goes.The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no menon this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women areimpossible to please.Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart and have a nice day.

A passenger jet is heading down the runway, when all of a sudden it abruptly comes to a stop, turns around and returns to the gate. Eventually, after an hour-long wait, the flight finally takes off.

A concerned passenger asks a flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant.

"I hope it?s all sorted now," replied the nervous passenger.

"Oh yes, it?s fine now, sir. It just took us a while to find a new pilot."